Title: THE DESTINY MATRIX
Genre: YA Speculative Fiction
Word Count: 82,000
Query:
Dear Agent,
If being shy around girls were a serious disease, sixteen-year-old Jason Martyr would be on the terminal list. It turns out girls are the least of his worries when a secret government project abducts him, claiming he has a rare genetic ability to travel through time. When Jason hesitates to join them, the project coerces him into cooperation.
His mission? Travel back in time to stop a ruthless group trying to alter history and rule the world – and become filthy rich in the process. Their next attack is a 1937 coup attempt aimed at deposing FDR and installing a fascist dictator. If they succeed, the U.S. may never take part in World War II, setting off a chain of historical dominoes through the rest of the timeline.
Jason wants to return to his normal life and the quest for Ms. Right but first, he must survive martial arts training from the most dangerous fighter in the world. Next, he has to prevent mercenaries in 1937 from carrying out the coup. To top it all off, his enemies know he is coming and dispatched assassins to eliminate him. Jason can go home when the mission is complete – if he survives.
THE DESTINY MATRIX, a young adult speculative fiction work, is complete at 82,000 words. It features light science fiction aspects and action similar to Roland Smith’s Cryptid Hunters series. It is a stand-alone novel with series potential.
Thank you so much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Chris L. Owens
First Page:
The shivering was the first thing I noticed. I couldn’t stop it, no matter how hard I tried. The room was freezing. Not cool like somebody turned the thermostat a few degrees too low, but bitter cold like being outdoors on a January night. I struggled to sit up, but restraints bound my arms, legs and chest. I couldn’t see much because of the room’s dim lighting.
When I became more alert, I noticed a low-pitched hum in the background. The longer it continued, the more it drilled into my brain. Within minutes, my head was ready to explode.
I tried calling out, but a weak croak was all that escaped my dry, cracked lips. After a few tries, I found my voice.
“Hey! Where am I? What do you want with me?” Puffs of steam punctuated each word.
There was no response at first, but it turned out someone was listening after all.
“Sounds like that Jason Martyr kid just woke up,” a male voice said in the distance. “He doesn’t sound bad off though. Sometimes the new recruits wake up blubbering like babies.”
“Is it true what they said?” a second man asked. “He resisted her?”
“Rumor mill says they called in one of the Specials from D wing to help. That guy they call Subliminal. Even with his help, Quinn had to drug the kid before they brought him in.”
How did I forget about Lorelei Quinn? Beautiful girls tend to scare me off, but with Lorelei I had no choice.
One Writer's Journey by Chris Owens 
Query: Change (secret government) project to agency then delete the sentence “When Jason hesitates…” because it’s redundant. Does the phrase “become filthy rich in the process” refer to Jason or the ruthless group? First time through I thought it was Jason; on second reading I thought it was the group. “Dispatched” should be “dispatch” to keep the tense straight.
250: “dry, cracked lips” sounds cliche, leave it out. Interesting opening, but the very last sentence totally confused me. He had no choice? No choice but to be scared off? Huh?
Otherwise, good opening, good flow, good luck.
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Thanks for the feedback. Becoming filthy rich refers to the ruthless group, but they’re already wealthy to begin with so I’ll probably either delete the phrase completely or find something else to replace it.
I had to cut the last sentence short to come in at 254 words, the actual first page will be more clear than it is at this cutoff point.
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Query: Seemed very Science Fictiony to me. I have a hard time wrapping my head around science fiction so I don’t know how much I can be a help. The entire premise bothers me. If they can go back in time why this one event. Why not assassinate Hitler and prevent WWII all together?
250: The writing is good but the dialog is very stiff. The end about the girl was very confusing.
Eric
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Thanks. I do have a prologue involving Hitler, the Nazis and time travel but it takes an unexpected twist. The dilemma with going back to kill Hitler is that there were other people and groups in Germany at that time who felt the same way he did, and facilitated his rise to power. People act like Hitler was the only problem and eliminating him would make everything fine, but the builders of the Nazi party would still be there. They would find someone else to lead their movement – maybe someone who would be better, but what if they found someone worse? (Think I’ve just hit on a cool short story idea here.) On top of that, when would be the best time to kill him – when he was fighting in WWI, sometime before he came to power, or after?
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Fun fact: This actually happened in the US, though earlier in FDR’s administration. Fortunately, the man selected to step in, Smedley Butler, was no fan of fascism.
The query is tight. I agree with bigpinelodge about the phrase “become filthy rich in the process”. As written, it could go either way, but that’s mainly a quibble. You’ve written a solid query that should get you requests. As minor housekeeping, the note re: dispatch applies, plus I think the comma in the last paragraph should fall after Ms. Right rather than its current position. Other than that, I can’t suggest any changes, because it reads exceptionally well as is.
In the 250, overall your prose is equally tight and the scene is set well with great character voice. The first sentence pulls me away from POV a touch, though, by pointing out Jason noticing vs him simply noting it.
Once the observers start talking, there’s a hint of explaining in their conversation that feels a little as-you-know-Bob, but it’s relatively minor. I’d be curious to see how they proceed. It’s a ticklish balance, informing the reader without the characters sounding like they’re spouting exposition.
I’d also agree with bigpinelodge about the cracked lips, plus the murkiness of “I had no choice”. The lead in doesn’t set that line up, so as a closing of the sample, it hangs strangely without an explanation. It probably wouldn’t matter in a reader sample, that hopefully continues the idea. For contests, it might stand clarification, even if only to avoid leaving on a less positive note.
Overall, you’ve got a really interesting concept and hook, an excellent query, and a strong opening with smooth story-telling and distinct voice. Good luck with your pitching. I suspect you’ll get a lot of bites.
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My MC meets Smedley Butler in the course of his mission. The plot he is trying to prevent is a resurrected version of the original 1933 plot. I’ve tried to build lots of conspiracy elements into this book, you’re the first one to notice this particular connection.
Thanks for pointing out the issue in the first sentence, I think it’ll be a pretty easy fix. Regarding the dialogue, at this point Jason doesn’t know what has happened to him and hasn’t figured out yet that Lorelei Quinn betrayed him so there is an exposition-y feel to it. I’ll take a closer look and see what I can do with it.
Thanks again for all the detailed feedback. It’s been very helpful.
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Title: I like it!
Query: I wonder if Jason could have a girl who was somehow in danger or held hostage by this group ala Taken? It might give it more stakes for Jason outside of his own danger. It would also appeal to a wider YA audience to have a MS. Right already in the picture, and maybe that chance with her gets taken away by these thugs and his shyness has to be overcome to beat them to get her back?
Comps: I would add Red Rising to your comps because that book is scorching hot right now in the YA world. It’s all over Goodreads. It has a male character, lots of action, and scifi elements.
Overall great query!
First 250:
Love the visceral nature of the writing.
It’s hooked me and I want to know what’s happened.
Last para; I’m interested for sure in Lorelei Quinn: as a YA reader I’m happy to see a female character included on the first page. And that she is possible some type of antagonist maybe or at least in collusion with the ones that tied Jason up? If so, I’d add her to the query.
Overall: Very nice!
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Great feedback, thanks!
After the first page, I go to a flashback of where Jason first meets Lorelei, leading to her betraying him and turning him over to the government.
When we get back to Jason, he finds out that there is another abductee – a girl – and he tries to help her escape. He’s kind of cursed in that he finds things to like about nearly every girl he meets, but lacks the social skills and self-confidence to do anything about it.
I finished Red Rising a couple of days ago and would love to use it as a comp, but I’m not sure it’s a close enough comparison. I’ll sure give it some thought though.
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Love the premise of your book. I think the query is pretty solid, it just needs some tweaking.
para#1: I think it works as is. we get a good idea of who Jason is and what the problem will be.
para#2: I would change the question into a statement. I thought of Mission Impossible when I read it. The next line, fortune and power come with taking over the world. “become filthy rich in the process” is redundant, get rid of it. I had to read the last sentence twice. You may want to rewrite to clarify meaning. maybe something like: setting off a historical domino effect (just a thought).
para#3: “quest for Ms Right” makes it sound like Jason is in his twenties. 15yo’s usually settle for the cute girl from their math class. The stakes are great in this para. I like that it clearly states what he has to do to achieve his goal. Watch out for sentence structure…you have three sentences starting with a clause. Also, I think there should be a period after Ms Right.
para#4: last para is great as is. Nice comps.
Your first page is great. Right away we know he’s in trouble. I would recommend you read your page out loud. Sentence structure is a bit repetitive.
Also, your first line shows that it’s cold, then you tell us that it’s cold. It’s redundant. I think your paragraph should start with “I struggled to sit up…” Much more intriguing. Is he in a freezer? If he is, find a way to say it right away so the reader is grounded and not wondering why the boy is cold.
“I noticed” is a filter word that gets the reader out of the story. Get rid of it and rephrase.
Good luck!
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Thanks for all of your feedback, it’s very specific and actionable. Definitely will be helpful.
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Hi! Here are my thougths on your query and opening words. I hope they’re helpful
Query:
I’m struggling to suspend disbelief about the idea of a genetic ability that allows time travel, but other than that I like the opening paragraph. It’s got a good voice and it sets up the charater well
– and become filthy rich in the process. This reads like Jason will get paid well for the mission, so is this the coersion mentioned in the first paragrah? Maybe just out right state it there.
I like the idea of a time travel in that period that doesn’t involve the assasinating Hitler cliche.
I think you can cut out a lot of the last paragraph. Just pull out the important bit – he can go back to his life if he survives, and tack it onto the second paragraph.
250 words:
The opening line would be sharper in an active voice. The whole opening paragraph could be tenser. At the moment it’s a lot of Jason noticing the situation in, and less of his reaction to it, which would make him easier to understand and empathise with as a character.
dry cracked lips – I think dry is redundant here.
The dialogue feels a bit forced, like you’re trying to hard to get information out through the characters.
I had no choice – no choice as to what? It’s a little confusing what you mean here.
Overall – I like the place you start. It definitely feels like the opening to the book. Try and get more of your voice in to the opening. The first paragraph of your query does it great, so don’t disappoint agents by not following up in the actual story.
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Thanks for all the feedback, and please see my reply to one of the earlier comments about assassinating Hitler.
In Jason Martyr’s world, there are two methods of time travel. One is to use a time machine, which anyone can do if they have access to the technology. The other is an organic method where individuals with the proper genetic makeup are given drugs to send them back in time. The genetic profile is very rare, so not that many people can use it, but those who have the profile gain additional abilities that give them an advantage versus those who use a machine.
Thanks again for going into so much detail, I’ll definitely take you advice into account.
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Hi, Chris! 🙂 I’m not a spec fic reader, but I’ll do my best.
~
Query:
If being shy around girls were a serious disease, sixteen-year-old Jason Martyr would be on the terminal list. [Great!] It turns out girls are the least of his worries when a secret government project abducts him, claiming he has a rare genetic ability to travel through time. When Jason hesitates to join them, the project coerces him into cooperation. [How do they coerce him?]
His mission? Travel back in time to stop a ruthless group trying to alter history and rule the world – and become filthy rich in the process. Their next attack is a 1937 coup attempt aimed at deposing FDR and installing a fascist dictator. If they succeed, the U.S. may never take part in World War II, setting off a chain of historical dominoes through the rest of the timeline. [Ooh, this has me intrigued!]
Jason wants to return to his normal life and the quest for Ms. Right but first, [move the comma to before ‘but’] he must survive martial arts training from the most dangerous fighter in the world. Next, he has to prevent mercenaries in 1937 from carrying out the coup. To top it all off, his enemies know he is coming and dispatched assassins to eliminate him. Jason can go home when the mission is complete – if he survives. [I’d cut this sentence. It doesn’t have the impact it could do.
In fact, there’s something ‘off’ about the structure of this paragraph. The second sentence feels like a repetition, and makes me wonder what is the importance of the martial arts training. I’d reword it slightly to make links between the three issues:
‘Jason wants to return to his normal life and the quest for Ms Right, but even if he survives martial arts training from the most dangerous fighter in the world, he has a bunch of post-war mercenaries to haggle with over the coup. And that’s if the assassins dispatched to eliminate him don’t get him first.]
THE DESTINY MATRIX, a young adult speculative fiction work, is complete at 82,000 words. It features light science fiction aspects and action similar to Roland Smith’s Cryptid Hunters series. It is a stand-alone novel with series potential.
~
First Page:
The shivering was the first thing I noticed. I couldn’t stop it, no matter how hard I tried. The room was freezing. Not cool like somebody [had] turned the thermostat a few degrees too low, but bitter cold like being outdoors on a January night. I struggled to sit up, but restraints bound my arms, legs and chest. I couldn’t see much because of the room’s dim lighting. [Maybe say how he felt the restraints instead of the telling.]
When I became more alert, I noticed a low-pitched hum in the background. The longer it continued, the more it drilled into my brain. Within minutes, my head was ready to explode.
I tried calling out, but a weak croak was all that escaped my dry, cracked lips [cut down on adjectives]. After a few tries, I found my voice.
“Hey! Where am I? What do you want with me?” Puffs of steam punctuated each word.
There was no response at first, but it turned out someone was listening after all.
“Sounds like that Jason Martyr kid just woke up,” a male voice said in the distance. “He doesn’t sound bad off though. Sometimes the new recruits wake up blubbering like babies.”
[If I were Jason, I’d be yelling again the moment I heard a voice, no matter what it said. Perhaps explain why he listens.]
“Is it true what they said?” a second man asked. “He resisted her?”
“Rumor mill says they called in one of the Specials from D wing to help. That guy they call Subliminal. Even with his help, Quinn had to drug the kid before they brought him in.”
How did I forget about Lorelei Quinn? Beautiful girls tend to scare me off, but with Lorelei I had no choice. [Love that name!]
The writing is good and I like Jason. My only comment would be that I’d like to know what kind of world this is. The world-building’s balanced very well, but to me it’s reading a little dystopian in terms of scary-corporation-kidnapping-with-drugs-and-restraints. But that’s just me, and I may be totally wrong because I really don’t read this genre! Take it or leave it, but the atmosphere of oppression is reminding me of The Hunger Games, and that genre’s tough right now.
Best of luck! 🙂
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Thanks for your critique. The world Jason lives in is very similar to ours. It’s not dystopian yet – that’s what Jason is fighting to prevent.
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Hi!!
I’ve seen your story in other pitch contests and have always loved the premise and done my share of RTs 😀 That said, I think there’s two things you could add to your query to tighten the whole thing and make it solid.
1. Tell us that one of those “terrifying” teenage girls is the one who instigates his kidnapping. It makes things worse for him in the reader’s mind 😀
2. At the ending, emphasize the fact that he’s going to be killed in the future, and then end it with something along the lines of “if he’s still alive in his own time.”
Good strong 250. Reminded me a little of the Maze Runner opening. That said, I want to know a little more about what’s going on in your MCs head right now. I mean, he just woke up and it’s obvious something awful is going on!!
Hope your book gets picked up and published. I’ll definitely be in line to buy when it does 😀
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Thanks for dropping by! I remember seeing yours also – the character name Fyr is hard to forget. After I get my ‘required’ critiques finished, I’ll drop by your page. I can definitely incorporate suggestion #1 into my query, will have to give #2 some thought. Thanks for the RTs and support!
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Hi Chris,
I think your query letter is very good. I agree about the confusion over ‘and become filthy rich in the process line’. I didn’t know if that referred to Jason or the ruthless group. Maybe think about switching the second and third paragraph. In my opinion, the second one has more impact and might make for a stronger hook/close.
The first line of your 250 really worked for me. It sets the reader in the scene immediately. I think the dialogue between the two men removes the reader from experiencing what Jason is feeling. Your using that dialogue to inform the reader and I get that. What if they were talking directly to Jason instead? Make him more of an active participant in the scene instead of a passive one.
Anyway…I think you have a really good story here, so good luck!
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Thanks for the input!
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